Lineage

By On 17/01/2013 · Leave a Comment · In poly, relationships

My mind works like a broken record, sinking into a groove and spinning on it incessantly until it cracks open in revelation and stills. For a lot of 2012, that groove was family: Nic and I broke up while Andy was deported for eight months, and when she got back I realized I didn’t recognize [...]

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The Need to Know

By On 04/12/2012 · 6 Comments · In poly, relationships

Poly people seem to have a lot more to say about what we let our partners do than what we let our partners tell us. Aside from a mention of the “don’t ask, don’t tell” open relationship model and the obvious exhortation to be honest, the how of communicating about one partner to another isn’t [...]

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There Is No Blanket Consent in Poly

By On 03/05/2012 · Leave a Comment · In commentary, mental health, poly, relationships

I’m kind of embarrassed to admit that this is a recent realization.

Consent is a constant process, not only while having sex, but also while having relationships. Just as one’s consent during sex adapts to accommodate our current realities, so must our poly. I am not a big believer in “rules poly”; reading some examples [...]

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Quick Definition: Accommodate

By On 21/11/2011 · 1 Comment · In poly

(noun): A date scheduled with one polyamorous partner for the primary purpose of another partner’s convenience.

Though there are probably other circumstances that are Accommodates, the most common type in our polygon is a feature of our configuration, in which some partners live together and others don’t. One partner requests that her roommate-partner make a [...]

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Pet Poly Peeves: A Rant

By On 19/01/2011 · 8 Comments · In poly

Poly communities, like all oppressed communities, tend to pretend everything is at worst all right and at best fucking awesome. This is a defense mechanism, but it also means people within poly communities may not have the support they need to get through those things that are difficult and shitty about their situations. Also, this is a rant about what I’m annoyed about in my own poly.

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Poly, Family, and Andy

By On 02/01/2011 · Leave a Comment · In poly

Andy and I broke up, but I think we’ll be able to stay friends as well as family, in that particular way that poly allows for.

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Off the Mat: Non-Attachment

By On 04/12/2010 · 2 Comments · In poly, relationships

Yoga advocates non-attachment, even to love, and my instructor reminded me of this in teacher training this morning. This is compatible with feminist and poly ideals of self-possession and independence, and it was a timely connection given some recent rockiness in our polygon.

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Quick Definition: Open vs Poly

By On 14/11/2010 · 1 Comment · In poly

Open isn’t the same as polyamorous. Open is an open door that then closes behind the new person as they leave; poly includes the possibility of closing the door and keeping the new person inside.

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Non-Monogamy and the “Sex Can Be Meaningless” Defense

By On 07/11/2010 · 7 Comments · In commentary, poly, relationships

Justifying open relationships/poly by saying that sex can be meaningless sucks because it implies that successful, stable nonmonogamy must be based on a closed, primary relationship and that it is unsafe, unnatural, or dangerous to seek anything but sex from other partners. The idea of “meaningless sex” also hardcore devalues sex, which is essential to living in and experiencing our bodies, and always means something (even when it’s bad sex).

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