Let me tell you, my pussy has been doing some strange things over the past few days. It’s always interesting to me that after almost 23 years, my own cunt can still do things I don’t expect it to. [A note to anyone who’s reading from real-life: You might want to stop here. It’s all the same to me, but fair warning’s fair warning.]

The first thing was my one and only no-hands, no-cock, no-tongue orgasm in my life, on Friday evening. I got home from work, and Nic and I were supposed to be meeting up after she finished at the gym, and then before even leaving for the gym she found out that she and her DJ partner just got a huge booking, so I definitely had some time to kill. I was doing the Twitter thing, and Princess Donna had ordered everyone to go check out the most recent shoot on Public Disgrace. I mean, if I must, right? Honestly, that day’s shoot was not my favorite–it involved a lot of beer and spit all over the girl in question, and actual grossness is not the kind of humiliation I’m into. But once I’m there, it’s hard to leave, and so I ended up watching a lot of trailers, with no intention whatsoever of actually jerking off since I was going to see Nic soon and coming is always more fun when she’s involved. All of a sudden I was in the middle of watching a trailer that really had all the good kinds of triggers, and I realized that if I just kept squeezing my PC muscles, I’d come. And so, for the sheer novelty of it, I did! It was an orgasm that was really only worth it for the novelty and the hilarious urge to scream LOOK MA, NO HANDS!! afterwards. There are a lot of different kinds of orgasms, depending on a lot of different factors. Usually coming just from clitoral stimulation feels kind of electric; it’s usually what I do when I jerk off because I’m lazy about jerking off, and it’s usually not super satisfying on its own. This kind of orgasm leaves me wanting more, so I usually end up having enough in a row that I’m physically exhausted, or stopping before I actually feel done in anticipation of something better later. This hands-free orgasm wasn’t exactly that electric, clit-only kind, because it was largely brought on by kegeling, but it was similarly hollow-feeling after it was over, and done in a similarly impatient manner.

The second thing is my period playing some fuckin’ hide and seek with me. Since receiving my one-week notice from MyMonthlyCycles that my period would arrive soon, I was moody and irritable and anxious and my skin got worse and then on Sunday I started getting cramps, so I was totally on track to bleed on time. Yesterday afternoon, Nic and I were in the middle of fucking, enjoying a nice, long-ish, strapped-on bang sesh like we hadn’t in awhile, and he pushed in deep, and my hips lifted and I moaned, and then he stopped and was like “Um, there’s a lot of blood.” It was kind of like my period had been banged into arrival! So he pulled out, I put in a sponge and washed all the blood off his dick–and usually, a bit of blood doesn’t bother either of us, but this had been quite the gush–and then we resumed, and all was fine and dandy. Eventually I had to get dressed for work, so I wrestled the sponge out (it had been pushed up behind my cervix by Nic’s cock, and my IUD string was below it…I was cussing at it by the time I got it out), washed out all the blood, and put in my large Lunette to go to work. Last night I got home from work, had a snack, and went to get ready for bed, and when I pulled out my cup, after eight or so hours of wearing it, there was nary a trace of blood in it. I slept with no cup and no pad, and before I put my cup back in at around 9:30 this morning, my period was still completely AWOL. No cause for concern, I’m sure, just kind of entertaining and odd!

[A note on MyMonthlyCycles: I’ve used this site to track my periods since I went off NuvaRing in March 2009. I like that it’s easy to figure out; it lets you track the days you’re bleeding as well as mood and body changes throughout your cycle; itsends you a reminder when you’re about to get your period; and it has menstrual cups/reusable pads as options for protection. I really, really dislike that it’s so goddamn pink; it asks stupid, sexist poll questions on the front page; it refers to those mood/body changes as “symptoms;” and the user interface sometimes feels tedious and repetitive, like when adding things to the Menstrual & Fertility Calendar.]

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